Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?

Romans 12:15–16 CSB

¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep. ¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud; instead, associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own estimation.

Last week we talked about dealing with people who trample us. And we are to bless them.

Hopefully, your life is not filled with people like that! You might have one or two… or four … but I sincerely hope that your life is full of more “normal” relationships! (whatever ‘normal’ is for you!). But even normal relationships are hard, amen? People are messy. We all can be messy at times. So this next section is on how we treat people in the normal messes of life.

Romans 12:15 CSB

¹⁵ Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.

We start with rejoicing and weeping. Certainly part of real relationships, right? Let’s start with some definitions:

WEEP: cry or wail. That translates well into English.

• REJOICE: to feel or show great happiness about something ~ Cambridge Dictionary
  REJOICE: to feel joy or great delight ~ Webster Dictionary

Those are definitions that describe events like graduations, weddings, birthdays (at least during our younger years). They are feelings based.

Romans 12:15 CSB

¹⁵ Rejoice [χαίρω chairō] with those who rejoice [χαίρω chairō]; weep with those who weep.

REJOICE: The kind of rejoicing the term chairō denotes is not only a feeling and expression of joy but also an action one chooses.

This carries a little more nuance to it than our English. You can rejoice even if you don’t feel like it. You can “be glad” even if you don’t “feel happy” because it is a choice. And we are talking about being living sacrifices (actions) by renewing our minds (thinking).

Rejoicing & Weeping

When we read a passage like this, it is easy to read it as two separate events.

• When someone gets promoted – celebrate with them
• When someone looses a loved in – cry with them

Certainly that can be one way to look at verse 15. In this light, the verse is talking about taking a genuine interest in the life of a brother or sister. And that is a very important part of being a family, isn’t it?  When they are rejoicing, you are rejoicing. When they are hurting, you are hurting.

›     ask: which is easier for you to do with someone? [does it depend on the situation?]

›     ask: what prevents us from doing this with people?

1. Business. We are too busy to make time to get pulled into someone else’s life. To go back to the renewing of our minds – we have to work at making sure we are genuinely interested in other people’s lives and not just our own.
2. I think the other reason is that we don’t know what to say or do – especially when people are hurting? Ever feel that way?

Notice what verse 15 does NOT say?

• It does not say, “when a sister is hurting, give them answers to all their questions”
• It does not say, “when a brother is hurting, help him fix the problem”

It DOES say, of thy weep… weep with them. If they rejoice… rejoice with them. Has nothing to do with our ability and everything to do with proximity.

Just be there. The key word is “with”. Be WITH them. In the great times, and in the gritty times.

I have a confession to make. I struggled reading commentaries on this mornings verses. They are full of statements like this:

The Letter to the Romans (Second Edition) C. Love and Its Manifestations (12:9–21)

Love that is genuine will not respond to a fellow believer’s joy with envy or bitterness, but will enter wholeheartedly into that same joy. Similarly, love that is genuine will bring us to identify so intimately with our brothers and sisters in Christ that their sorrows will become ours.

I think I can only partly agree with that statement. Love that is genuine will not WANT to be envious or bitter but will TRY to share in the same joy as much as they are able. They will want to bless the other person. Similarly, their sorrow cannot truly become our sorrow – we cannot fully understand how they feel, but we can certainly attempt to understand their pain and want to bless them.

It is statements like that in the commentary that can lead to all kinds of guilt and shame for the person who wants to be there, but struggles. It is not a healthy theology; it is not grounded in reality.

Perhaps I should explain myself a little better?

The interpretation of verse 15 as being isolated events that cause rejoicing and weeping lacks something – conflict. The verse before it was about how we treat those that trample on us – CONFLICT. And the verses after these are about not taking revenge when wronged – CONFLICT. the “isolated events” interpretation seems weak in the middle of a group of passages that talk about the struggle of being a living sacrifice.

I think we too often see these as differing events -> good times and bad times. But we fail to acknowledge that they can be two reactions to the same event.

EXAMPLE: The person who comes in first place rejoices and the person who comes in last place cries. Same event, two perspectives. How does the winner relate to the loser and how does the loser relate to the winner? There is conflict there – especially if they are brothers and sisters.

I think too often that in Christian circles we try to hyper spiritualize or desensitize the situation.

When you are the one in pain, who is wailing, the last thing you want to do is rejoice with the winner. When you are the winner, the last thing you want to do is deflate the victory by empathizing with the loser. As the one rejoicing you might become indignant towards the one who is weeping as they are stealing away your joy. As the one weeping you might become angry or upset at the insensitivity of the one who is rejoicing while you are hurting.

We have CONFLICT here.

I used a simplistic example like a race or competition. But life is a lot messier than that.

As a pastor I struggle with this when preaching. When I preach on Father’s Day – for some it is a time of rejoicing, for others it is painful and sorrowful. Pick any holiday – today is National Quesadilla Day and that could be sorrowful for the lactose intolerant 😉

I want to share another more serious scenario that I am sure some of you have experienced, because I think it can help us understand what it means to Romans 12:15  “Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.”

When a baby is born, there are at least two camps of people: those who rejoice and those who weep.

1. For the person that has the child there is great rejoicing because God has granted them a new life. A precious gift!
2. For the person who’s had a miscarriage or has been unable to have children there can be great pain at the reminder of what they do not have.

I can assure you it is impossible for that person who is in pain to “enter wholeheartedly into the same joy” as the person who has been given that new child. We expect the person who is struggling to somehow be happy, and though they may want to be, their pain might overshadow the joy. That’s very real. That’s very natural. The challenge for that person is to try to feel joy for the other in spite of the pain that they feel, and that’s a very hard thing to do. This is no simple teaching. They’re also going to have feelings of guilt over not feeling happy for that person. Remember, rejoicing is not just a feeling, but it is an action. Do something even if you don’t feel something.

And I can assure you that the person who has never gone through a miscarriage, or that never struggled to become pregnant, cannot understand the pain of the the other.  Interestingly enough, the person who has the child can become upset that the person who is hurting doesn’t share their same joy. The person who is rejoicing needs to also learn to weep with those who weep, and to try to associate with their pain.  Galatians 6:2 “Carry one another’s burdens; in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.”

When I think too highly of myself, when I don’t think of others like myself, then I see the person who has something and I think of them as insensitive in rejoicing around me. Don’t they understand my pain? Or I might be on the other side of the argument and feel that somebody else is being selfish in not sharing in my joy because they’re just feeling sorry for themselves. Both of those are self centered and are natural tendency, but we’re called to be above that. That does not mean we will feel like it. We will wrestle with those feelings. We will still be hurt. We will still struggle. But we attempt to rejoice with those who rejoice, and we attempt to try to understand and to weep with those who weep. They are not two different events. They are two different perspectives, often of the same event.

Romans Explanation of the Text

To share in the joy and sadness of others requires regarding their circumstances as more urgently in need of attention than one’s own circumstances and seeing others as more important than one’s self.

As a body, as a family, we need to remember that we belong to each other and affect each other:

1 Corinthians 12:26 CSB

²⁶ So if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it.

Romans 12:16 CSB

¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud; instead, associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own estimation.

As we continue continue on to verse 16, our next command is to “live in harmony with one another”,

Harmony:

I am not sure I like the word “harmony” in this passage. That sounds like there is never a problem or a difference. However I started to come around to it when I read this devotional:

Fresh Start Devotionals Harmony

Paul didn’t tell us to live in melody with each other. Those singing the melody line of a piece of music follow the primary tune of the composition. Like strands of a cable, their voices blend together to form a strong, uniform sound. They sing the primary notes.

The harmony adds depth to the melody. Some harmony is very tight, like a barber shop quartet, other is much looser like the sounds of Jazz. Though a dissonant harmony is difficult to perform, it adds a dimension to the piece that excites the discriminating listener.

Paul told us to live in harmony with one another. Harmony is a sound that compliments the melody; it is not the same note, but a complimentary one. It is not a wrong note, just a different one. Living in harmony with one another doesn’t mean we have to have the same views, preferences, and convictions. Our Creator made us unique, and our experiences give us perspective. Paul teaches us to celebrate our differences and sing our part, but to sing the same piece of music.

Paul is not telling us to think the say way. That is impossible! I have a co-worker who is from India and a daughter-in-law who is from Colombia South America. First, they are both women. Second, they are both from different cultures. I can assure you that we think differently as much as we think the same!

We are not command to think the same way about -> parenting, doctrine, hair styles, pets lol.

We are commanded to think the SAME WAY ABOUT EACH OTHER – that is to hold others as more important than yourself:

Romans 12:3 CSB

³ For by the grace given to me, I tell everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he should think. Instead, think sensibly, as God has distributed a measure of faith to each one.

Romans 12:10 CSB

¹⁰ Love one another deeply as brothers and sisters. Take the lead in honoring one another.

Romans 12:16 LEB

¹⁶ Think the same thing toward one another; do not think arrogantly, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own sight.

That is where I think the LEB captures the thought Paul had the best. “Think the same thing toward one another”. Have the same mindset that your brothers and sisters are more important than you are and they are worthy of your attention, your proximity, your purposeful determination.

Philippians 2:2 CSB

² make my joy complete by thinking the same way, having the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose.

Remember, the way that God changes the way we act is by changing the way we think. It is a process of renewing our minds. And Paul uses the word “think” all throughout chapter 12, but it is hidden in our English. I am going to stick with the LEB for this verse because it shows the most literal translation of Paul’s thinking.

Do not be arrogant

Romans 12:16 LEB

¹⁶ Think [φρονέω] the same thing toward one another; do not think [φρονέω] arrogantly, but associate with the lowly. Do not be wise in your own sight.

Again, I’ll go back to the concept of it’s not how we feel, but what we do. And what we do is affected by how we think, which is why it’s important to understand that when Paul makes this statement about not thinking highly of ourselves, but thinking of others. He uses the word think. And in our passage in verse 16, the word think is in there twice. Though our English translations have tried to help us understand what he’s saying, he’s definitely referring to a logical mindset, a purposeful processing of our situation, to try to think through what our response should be when we don’t feel like the response.

Your translation might say, “Do not be proud”.

• Does that mean I cannot be proud of getting a promotion or signing a big contract?
• Does that mean I cannot boast when my kids or grandkids do something really awesome?
• Does it mean I can’t boast when I win at pickleball or ultimate frisbee?
• There is a posture to being proud, right? Chest puffed out, standing tall, etc. Is that wrong?

I think “Don’t think arrogantly”  or ““do not think haughty thoughts”” are more accurate of the thought here. Arrogance is pride against someone vs pride in someone. We can feel proud but we act arrogantly.

Haughty: to be or become marked arrogant by superiority to and disdain of those one views as unworthy

Do not entertain thoughts of superiority over or disdain for others. Do not view them as unworthy of your time, attention or friendship.

This is the story of Elkanah and his two wives Peninnah and Hannah. (1 Sam 1) The one who could have kids was arrogant and boasted in what they had, and the other one cried because they couldn’t have what they wanted.

So don’t have an arrogant or haughty mindset. Instead…

Romans 12:16 CSB

¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud; instead, associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own estimation.

I think the middle of verse 16 troubles interpreters – which makes me glad I am not one!

• do not think arrogantly, but associate with the lowly. – LEB
• do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position – NIV
• do not be proud; instead, associate with the humble – CSB
• don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. – NLT
• don’t think yourselves better than others, but make humble people your friends. – CJB

OK, we get the do not be proud… but then is it saying:

a) associate with humble people?

b) associate with people who are of lower social status?

c) associate with people who have less than me?

I suppose all of them could be appropriate. My arrogance might make me believe that I am too important to hang out with certain other people. Or my pride might benefit greatly from being around humble people to keep me in check! BOTH could be good.

I think I lean towards associating with those that are considered “low” in society. When Paul was writing this letter in the 1st century, who were the “low” in society – especially to the Jews? The people you would avoid during Jesus time would be:

• tax collectors
• zealots
• Samaritans
• lepers
• roman centurions

Jesus was found around each of these, and public enough that it was recorded. My savior, the king of the universe, was known as the friend of tax collectors and sinners.

Luke 7:34 CSB

³⁴ The Son of Man has come eating and drinking, and you say, ‘Look, a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!’

In the church world, do allow your rank to determine who you can associate with. In the body you are brothers and sisters.

In the family of God, don’t pander to class distinction, education status, opulence, or anything else that might cause division. We are to live with and for each other. That is the reminder from earlier in the chapter:

Romans 12:6–8 CSB

⁶ According to the grace given to us, we have different gifts: If prophecy, use it according to the proportion of one’s faith; ⁷ if service, use it in service; if teaching, in teaching; ⁸ if exhorting, in exhortation; giving, with generosity; leading, with diligence; showing mercy, with cheerfulness.

If God has elevated you above others financially, bless those that do not have. If God has given you the ability to show charity to others (meet needs) then do it cheerfully. Those were some of the commands. Some teach, others server. We are not classified by those but rather characterized by how we treat others.

We ought to not think highly of ourselves but associate with the lowly. Do not be conceited, “I am a winner, you are a loser”, instead by “associated” with, go along with the one who is less than you.

Another humbling thought – we might be above others in some ways, but we can also be assured that there are others that are above us in other ways.

Romans 12:16 CSB

¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud; instead, associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own estimation.

Don’t be wise in your own estimation.  That seems a bit out of content in this set of thoughts. Doesn’t it? It is an interesting phrase to consider for sure.

μή γίνομαι φρόνιμος παρά ἑαυτοῦ

not |  to become |  wise  |  with  |  himself

The concept of being wise with oneself is like being full of oneself or only being mindful of oneself. Not thinking of others.

What if it was translated “do not be mindful of yourself”

I think there is a difference between, “don’t be wise in your own sight” [ESV] and “don’t be conceited” [NIV] and I think I prefer the NIV in this sense because to be conceited is to only think about yourself. It is more than just arrogance, it is self-focused, self-centeredness. And I think that is more in line with the entire passage.

If the last command was not to think too much of yourself nor too little of others, then you can solve that by just not thinking of others at all and then there is no comparison. But that is not what God has called us to.

Romans 12:16 NIV

¹⁶ Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Think the same way ABOUT each other. Do not think too much of your self nor too little about others. And do not think just about yourself.  – that is what a conceited person does!

I am sure I am not doing the Greek justice in my translation, because none of the commentaries I read mentioned anything like that, but I think it is biblical and could very well be read that way without discrediting the text.

In other words, do not only think about your own self, but think about others. Do not be conceited – do not be mindful only of yourself.

1 Corinthians 10:24 CSB

²⁴ No one is to seek his own good, but the good of the other person.

Friends, life is messy because people are messy. You and I are messy. We struggle treating others the way God treats us. We struggle putting others ahead of ourselves. By nature, we focus on ourselves and we protect ourselves. But when relationships are hard, we have the opportunity to shine – to reflect God to each other. It is hard, but in the end it is blessed!

Rejoice with those who rejoice, even in your pain, even when you don’t feel like it, do your best to celebrate with those God has blessed.

Weep with those who weep, even if you do not know what to say or do – proximity matters – so be there for those who are hurting.

Think the same way about each other:

• do not elevate yourself above others
• do not look down upon others
• do not ignore others

Which are you struggling with right now? I say “right now” because for most of us, it changes with time and circumstances. Pick one, pray about it, and seek to fulfill the law of God but blessing others this week.

I probably should have just quoted this last verse in the beginning and you might have been able to “test out” of the message and be on your way to lunch by now, but I think this verse about sums it up:

Philippians 2:3–4 CSB

³ Do nothing out of selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves. ⁴ Everyone should look not to his own interests, but rather to the interests of others.

May God grant us the strength through his Spirit to live it out.